I sat down on her couch and immediately fell apart. Her office, her couch, a sacred space of feeling known, accepted, seen, and heard, a necessary space, a healing place, an important part of the process. On her couch I let it all out, everything that’s built up inside, every thought, feeling, emotion, win, loss, frustration, and fear. Therapy equals empathy and true empathy, truly feeling understood, is one of the most powerful things in the world.
Through tissues and tears I whispered,“Is this normal? When do I start taking medication for this? Everything feels SO hard. I am over it; I didn’t sign up for this.”
“Kayla it’s okay,” with tears of her own, she leaned in close, “you’ve been through so much this year.”
It was all I needed to hear.
I’m sad, I’m mad, I’m tired, I’m lost, I’m confused, I’m lonely, I’m numb all in the same breath and it’s all okay. I don’t have to try to hide it, or fake it, or push it away, there is no right or wrong way to be here, to be human.
To be human is to experience it all, the ups and downs, the ebbs and flows, the highs and lows the scattered in between, it’s all part of life, wild broken beautiful life, and it’s all okay. To feel is to be alive, and to be alive is a gift. A gift we take for granted until we lose a life we love. Loss reminds us of our expiration date, a reminder we need from time to time. The feelings we feel now will end one day, and our end will be the beginning of new life somewhere else, somewhere far better than this.
For this short time now, we can take a deep breath, and whisper to ourselves it’s okay.
If in our anger, we yell it’s okay.
If in our heartache, we cry it’s okay.
If in our grief, we numb out it’s okay.
If in our exhaustion, we rest it’s okay.
If in our loneliness, we wallow it’s okay.
If in our brokenness, we make mistakes it’s okay.
When we whisper it’s okay, we replace shame with grace, and grace is the best gift we could ever give ourselves. Grace to be real with how we feel, all of the time. We all need more grace, more empathy, more space to feel, to be real, to be alive, to be human. Without grace we will spend our one life always wishing things were different and we will forget it’s all a gift. Every single memory, every single day, every single moment, every single breath, a beautiful precious gift.
We are alive, we are human, we have feelings, and it’s okay.
In it together,
Kayla